Monday, January 25, 2010

Ramma blah blah booppity boo bam shwa boopity ba

I've heard tons of funny little wittcisms over the past few days through reading a lot that I've wanted to collect, but alas, I forget them all! I get kind of annoyed at people that spout quotes instead of actually engaging in their own personal dialogue, but for some reason my meek fiction writing teacher's constant deluge of quotations about the craft of writing seems like an adorable quirk. It might get old in two sessions. I have two poems and a story due this week. Ready, Set, Creativity!

In an insanely late commemoration of the past year (I do not apologize) I will list my favorite people of 2009 and why they were good to me and my soul, and all that easter egg hopping de bopping Tappen Zee bridge jibber jabber that makes for good valentine filling:

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em:
He encapsulates three things I absolutely adore in a living human: 1. Talent and success at a fascinatingly young age. 2. dance skills and showy dance tactics 3. Self aggrandizement in non offensive doses. No wait, four things. 4. Self reflection in his art.

Anna 'Gaptooth' Paquin:
She gets a shout-out because I managed to actually become intellectually engaged with the series True Blood despite not having glitter miniskirts and manga hanging off me, and she is the hottystar. Also, she finally managed to appear to be a hottystar and not an ugly puggypiggy, in my eyes.

George Clooney:
Looks like a raccoon, voice slinks down the throat faster than a Rolls Royce. For the first time in my life I found him attractive {Up in the Air shout-out!]. Neither my period, nor sexual activity, nor my breasts, nor turning 21 ever made me feel as much like a part of the female collective as this realization does.

Neil J:
Nothing makes you feel cuddlier and more like a cast member of Boy Meets World than having your oldest and best friend follow you to college. It gets sadder in the later seasons when he goes abroad and you graduate, though.

Deborah C:
Professor of mine that I had for three semesters. Harvard graduate, personal hero, and astounding public speaker and woman. She is an inspiration for the type of moral fiber I'd like running through my bones. And, she happens to like me as a student. It's great and delicious to know our fascination is somewhat mutual. I kind of want to write her a letter of thanks.

Kristie F:
I really squeezed the juice out of this little fruit this last year, got to lap her up, and see her beautiful insides. And she is now one of my closest how-you-say bosom buddies.

Andy Samberg:
Marry me, oh Jewish humor-song prophet. Drop the whiney fiddlestick elf-cute harpy. Plllleeeeassseeeeee.


Michael Showalter&David Wain:
Fuck you Michael Ian Black, you have garnered too much public attention. The real true sweet ass candies behind dorkhot comedy and testicle screwball humor are your better two thirds. I still like you, though. A lot. I saw Michael Showalter live in his beloved Brooklyn and I swear I almost grabbed his h1N1 tissue just to be close to his bacteria.

Portia De Rossi:
HOT. HOT. HOT. HOT. Easily the best character on Arrested Development. It is so hard to choose, though! Your lesbian love with the ever-lovable Ellen is the most sincere lukewarm thing I've ever seen. I would weep over your photos, except I totally don't really care. I just think you are hot and funny and those are the two most important qualities in any human being.

Kevin Barnes:
Thank you for the blue glitter makeup. Thank you for the innovative techno-depresso cyprus lyrics. Thank you for the near-non-male-ness.

Tracie Egan:
I don't approve of no coke snifflin', but your blogs have rejuvenated my vagina more than revirginization surgery.

Holly B:
Didn't know antisocial behavior and quirky children's lit innovation could be wrapped up in one delightful being of a boss. I enjoyed every day with you. I even endured your cats, and that's saying a lot. I'll miss Collin Harrison's letters.

Stefani Gambiattlisoso (Or Something?):
Oh, Lady, I love your way. Your hooks, your planetary orbits of wardrobe, you are a rat-toothed fineness of a woman.

Sarah J:
Honorable Mention. I've kinda known you for a while. But you still read my blog. omgomgomg Blog about me! LOl.

Law & Order SVU:
In the NBC network system, late night television hosts are considered especially heinous. The dedicated actors and writers who portray improbable felonies are members of an elite cast known as the Special Victims Unit. This is their fan base. Clunk clunk.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dot-Com Strangelove: Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Blog

I'm going to start a new segment called Irrelevant Things in Popculture That I Love:

Let's start off with my woman, Sheryl Crow. Her songs are just about as enjoyable as licking Baby-dipped dumpster turkey off a homeless man's ass, and she hasn't been relevant since like 2003 when she did that song with Kid Rock. She rarely wears bras, but sure knows how to get a song stuck in your head. She is important to me because she is such a dirty lady. A recap of her top hits will surely remind you:

1. If It Makes You Horny
2. All I Wanna Do (is Fuck)
3. Soak up the Cum
4. Every Day is a Winding Chode
5. The First Cunt is the Deepest

Next Up-- I propose a quandary-- is Lil Wayne's "Every Girl" misogynist or does it celebrate women? I'm having trouble with lyrics like...."If she let me in, Imma own that pussy" and then Drake's "I will fuck wit all ya'll, all ya'll are beautiful". All women are beautiful and they are fuckable, but I can't be faithful because they're unbelievably tempting and when we do fuck I will chop you like red meat. It sounds respectable. Drake got mad street cred for this song. I still can't get over lil Wheelchair Jimmy singing about "pussy pussy pussy", but he DID date Hazel...


Meanwhile, the song, "Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It" hits upon important gender disparities in sexual relationships. Yes, she can have sex with you "lean wit it, rock wit it" as they so cutely call it. BUT HOWEVER THERE IS AN EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE. "You gotta suck a cock wit it". Fellatio is of prime importance in men's sex lives, whereas girls, they could dance either on the floor or on your cock, and they'd be fine either way.

I think the Teletubbies have contributed vastly to this discussion of roles of masculinity and femininity within the realm of oral sex with their breakthrough music video:

Sunday, January 3, 2010

What your transcript is REALLY saying about you

So last semester I flopped apparently on signing up for all P/F classes and only took one P/F. Which, I guess was fine. However I have the most perplexing grades. It says. PAAY Pay. Pay. Pay your tuition. Pay for this school. You will pay for attending college with no career path.


PYAA .... Pretty Young Awesome Adult....

Texts for me

I am composing a "Best Texts of 2009" list to commemorate the year. Granted I only have a thousand over the past few months to select from, here they are:

Greg: Aidan is wired

Chris (last name withheld for his own privacy HA!): Well if you. get this andm wanna make out, fuck, or whatever else either now or between 11 am and 1pm let me know cvz you mad hojt and mad fuckable baby haha
* note: typos on purpose

Neil: Six years. Greg dunn to your terry

Neil: At some point people settle but some find the volcano. Apparently i have the best hair ever

Terri Lee: American Apparel comment

Justin T: You are a sensitive girl and im a dumb boy who thinks with his libido
* note: ass

Terri Lee: All butt damage, but one barf last night. ?don't you have some soup??

Neil: Cryed during Jals eulogy but never completely warmed up to her. I will not get a black girl pregnant for that reason. How was film class tonite?

Sarah: Bring geeg to me cesare

Terri Leee: How you feelin'? Irie?

Mike: I am in a super boring class, wwhdtd?

Greg: I love your girth

Neil: Facebook sidebar smart ads :" meet single moms". Does the internet know more about what I want than I do? Unlikely.

Kristie: Then I want to smoke you

Sarah: When will you return to the casa mi amiga mujer (that means best right?)

Carter: Wuv u too see u Sion

Kristie: I am. Also, latte is alive and well.

Mike: P.S. Do you think she goes by ms. gaga?

Mike: this is really gossip girl not mike

Neil: True Blood fruit bowl at dc

Any text from Deli Sam. And many many more.

Terri Lee: huh? noo? I put up the 66 shields.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Arrested Fashion Development

Uncle Oscar and I officially have the same sweater. I'm pretty happy about it.