In an insanely late commemoration of the past year (I do not apologize) I will list my favorite people of 2009 and why they were good to me and my soul, and all that easter egg hopping de bopping Tappen Zee bridge jibber jabber that makes for good valentine filling:
Soulja Boy Tell 'Em:
He encapsulates three things I absolutely adore in a living human: 1. Talent and success at a fascinatingly young age. 2. dance skills and showy dance tactics 3. Self aggrandizement in non offensive doses. No wait, four things. 4. Self reflection in his art.
Anna 'Gaptooth' Paquin:
She gets a shout-out because I managed to actually become intellectually engaged with the series True Blood despite not having glitter miniskirts and manga hanging off me, and she is the hottystar. Also, she finally managed to appear to be a hottystar and not an ugly puggypiggy, in my eyes.
George Clooney:
Looks like a raccoon, voice slinks down the throat faster than a Rolls Royce. For the first time in my life I found him attractive {Up in the Air shout-out!]. Neither my period, nor sexual activity, nor my breasts, nor turning 21 ever made me feel as much like a part of the female collective as this realization does.
Neil J:
Nothing makes you feel cuddlier and more like a cast member of Boy Meets World than having your oldest and best friend follow you to college. It gets sadder in the later seasons when he goes abroad and you graduate, though.
Deborah C:
Professor of mine that I had for three semesters. Harvard graduate, personal hero, and astounding public speaker and woman. She is an inspiration for the type of moral fiber I'd like running through my bones. And, she happens to like me as a student. It's great and delicious to know our fascination is somewhat mutual. I kind of want to write her a letter of thanks.
Kristie F:
I really squeezed the juice out of this little fruit this last year, got to lap her up, and see her beautiful insides. And she is now one of my closest how-you-say bosom buddies.
Andy Samberg:
Marry me, oh Jewish humor-song prophet. Drop the whiney fiddlestick elf-cute harpy. Plllleeeeassseeeeee.
Terri:
Obvz.
Michael Showalter&David Wain:
Fuck you Michael Ian Black, you have garnered too much public attention. The real true sweet ass candies behind dorkhot comedy and testicle screwball humor are your better two thirds. I still like you, though. A lot. I saw Michael Showalter live in his beloved Brooklyn and I swear I almost grabbed his h1N1 tissue just to be close to his bacteria.
Portia De Rossi:
HOT. HOT. HOT. HOT. Easily the best character on Arrested Development. It is so hard to choose, though! Your lesbian love with the ever-lovable Ellen is the most sincere lukewarm thing I've ever seen. I would weep over your photos, except I totally don't really care. I just think you are hot and funny and those are the two most important qualities in any human being.
Kevin Barnes:
Thank you for the blue glitter makeup. Thank you for the innovative techno-depresso cyprus lyrics. Thank you for the near-non-male-ness.
Tracie Egan:
I don't approve of no coke snifflin', but your blogs have rejuvenated my vagina more than revirginization surgery.
Holly B:
Didn't know antisocial behavior and quirky children's lit innovation could be wrapped up in one delightful being of a boss. I enjoyed every day with you. I even endured your cats, and that's saying a lot. I'll miss Collin Harrison's letters.
Stefani Gambiattlisoso (Or Something?):
Oh, Lady, I love your way. Your hooks, your planetary orbits of wardrobe, you are a rat-toothed fineness of a woman.
Sarah J:
Honorable Mention. I've kinda known you for a while. But you still read my blog. omgomgomg Blog about me! LOl.
Law & Order SVU:
In the NBC network system, late night television hosts are considered especially heinous. The dedicated actors and writers who portray improbable felonies are members of an elite cast known as the Special Victims Unit. This is their fan base. Clunk clunk.
